An Update

I've not posted in a long while, and perhaps with good reason. As is probably apparent, I am (was?) involved with the pick-up community. Pick-up art, if you will. This post will detail some of my initial (mis)conceptions about the group, and my current thoughts on the whole thing.

Initial Misgivings

When I started reading about pick-up, I was quite taken aback by the terminology, the apparent lack of respect for women, and the abhorrent (apparent) behavior of which I saw endless boasting. Despite these immediate red flags, I approached it with an open mind. Having only been apart from my ex-fiancee for a few months, I felt that it may have been a good time to start trying something new, and to meet new people.

One thing I have never gotten over, however, is the acronyms and the linguistics used by this community. It is quite childish. When explaining some of this terminology to a girl friend, she responded with something to the effect of,

``It's probably like that to make it easier to talk about. As children, kids euphamize things all the time, making them seem more playful and more innocent, even though these things may normally be rather difficult to talk about. This community probably uses this terminology -- these euphamisms -- for the same reason: they find it difficult to discuss social interaction in an adult manner. It's likely the reason that so many of them are involved in `the game' anyway.''

I feel that this is a powerful and accurate description of many people who are involved in this study. There are a few reasons that I think that discussion of social dynamics in such a childish format is detrimental to the end goal of the study:

1. The (in my mind) biggest reason is likely the most obvious. Whenever anything is referred to as a game, it is inherently taken much less seriously. Games have low value and exist only for personal pleasure. One could bring up the point that games also exist for communal pleasure, but I don't feel this is a valid point here, since the game involves people. I have never heard the phrase ``playing games with me'' be used in a positive fashion, and I don't think that anybody appreciates being looked at as a conquest, a goal, or a prize.
2. It promotes disrespect for others. Indeed, some of the more popular creators of this community's terminology have invented so-called ``methods'' that promote disrespect; specifically, I refer to the concept of ``negs,'' Plenty of information on this concept exists on the Internet, so I will not reference it here; however, I will say that I neither appreciate nor condone the practice of obtaining positive feedback by giving negative.
3. It doesn't particularly help people become socially aware. One of the great problems I see in the community (especially among young newcomers, such as myself) is that many people are not articulate. Ironically, this is one of the reasons that they end up attempting to follow the guidance of others in the community. Without a good instructor, though, many will fail to get any farther. Even worse, many will fall back in their social skills. This is not a prediction. I have seen it
   

There are myriad other reasons for my negative sentiment on the terminology used by this community, though I will not list them all here.

Entering the Community

When I initially came into the community, I did not know what to expect. It was suggested that I find and meet up with a group of people who would also be interested in practicing their social skills. In the pick-up community, a group of these people are called a ``lair.'' I wasn't too thrilled to be a part of something sounding so manipulative. I was, however, very excited to see whether or not this would be something that would help me make new friends and improve my social interaction.

Luckily, I live in an area where most people are at least relatively smart. The group of people I met was very open, helpful, and didn't seem to reflect any of the preconceived notions I had developed regarding members of the community. Most of my newfound friends were older than I -- most by at least 6 years. I had many questions, and much to learn.

I Progress

My initial outings were, as I considered then, failures. I found it extremely difficult to be the person that I had read about, the asshole who gets the ladies; the knight in shining armor; the proverbial ladies' man. In retrospect, this taught me precisely what I needed to learn: you're not supposed to be acting. My initial social interactions were largely situational. I'd approach a group of people (or a person) and ask a question or tell a story. It (as you may suspect) didn't work so well.

Being a social person by nature, I asked myself what my problem was. I came up with the conclusion that I wasn't acting like who I really am. Indeed, I was acting: I was not being myself. It was with this conclusion that I realized that there is no other way for one to appear attractive to others, be it physically or otherwise. After this, I asked myself a provocative question: If I am a social person by nature, why am I then unable to successfully meet people?

The answer was obvious, but not easy to come by. Many people in the community discuss the concept of ``approach anxiety.'' This is a state, experienced by most people (to varying degrees) in which, before talking to somebody, one feels physically unfit for the interaction. Some people experience this as stage fright; some people avoid answering telephones for this reason; still other people experience it in other ways, but it is a common feeling that most share and know all too well. While this had something to do with my answer, it was not the root of the answer.

The main reason I was unable to talk to people had to do with the fact that I was unhappy with myself. This sounds excessively cliche, but it is very true. I'm still not at great peace with current status, but I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am than I previously was. When this realization came to me, i was able to take my inherent ability to be social in pre-arranged social situations and apply it to random conversation with random people.

My Experience

When I came to this realization and applied it to my social life, I noticed several things. Because I knew that I wasn't doing anything inherently wrong, I was no longer uncomfortable with taking so-called risks and talking with people. It's amazing how receptive most people are to random conversation. An even bigger breakthrough came when I realized that I was having more success with people when I had no motives, other than to share a good time.

I frequently reference the book ``The Art of Loving'' by Erich Fromm. I will do so again, here. This realization now seems obvious, looking back (hindsight 20/20). The basic premise is that the art of loving requires unconditional love. Upon further analysis, one can come to the conclusion that this means three things: one should not expect anything back from the act; one should not care that nothing comes back (indeed, it's unconditional, so the thought shouldn't even be there): implying the third point, there should be no self-serving motivation for one to give this gift.

My biggest success came when I feel that I exercised this perfectly. In fact, this biggest success is still a success: I now have a relationship with a really wonderful lady. I'll spare the details of that story (perhaps I will share them later, perhaps not). Among the most important factors of our initial meeting were that neither one of us had expectations, and we both gave unconditionally. This resulted in us both having a good time and liking each other very much.

This brings me to a final point, which is unfortunately going to leave me ending on a negative note. Perhaps the biggest problem I have with the pick-up community is that many of the people involved exhibit qualities of misogyny (perhaps this is the wrong word, as I wouldn't classify what I mean as a hatred, but certainly a disrespect for women). Whether it's due to past relationships (or the lack thereof), it is quite clearly existent in their behavior. I don't feel that it is correct to lead a woman on in multiple long term relationships; I don't feel that it is correct to sleep with many people at the same time, and I would go so far as to say that there should be limits on how many women you are dating at once. It doesn't take very long to figure out whether you are interested in a woman or not; indeed, it doesn't take very long to figure out whether she's interested in you, either. Certainly, respect is something that needs to be emphasized in the future of this community for it to be successful in the future.

I am now going to sleep. My girlfriend will be coming back from a trip to see her family in Europe in only a few days, and I honestly cannot wait.